Scared Witless

This is no laughing matter.

I’ve been scared lately.  I’ve been scared of saying the wrong things.  I’ve been scared of doing the wrong things. I’ve been scared of what has been happening to me.  And, the only way to feel safe inside is to let those things out.  So here goes;

I still have some paranoia that others are going to steal my ideas before I can get them submitted.  I still have some paranoia that everyone is judging me.  And then I judge myself for being selfish by thinking that everyone is thinking/judging me.  In other words, I think they think I think that the world revolves around me.

Being called selfish was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.  And, the person who said it to me means the most to me – my identical twin sister.  It has left a scar.  Truth is, I probably was selfish but I only wanted her to spend some time with me instead of spending all the time with her then boyfriend, now current husband.

You see, I was the monkey in the middle.  I was pitted against both sides.  I was the mediator between my sister and her boyfriend against Mom and Dad.  And, I was the peace keeper.  And that brings us to this wonderful time of year:  Thanksgiving.

Though, to me, it is my favorite holiday because it celebrates one of my best skills, gratitude, yet it was also one of the worst memories I have.   I carry my list of 25, (actually 26, if you remember my earlier post), items I am grateful for in my purse at all times.  I keep it as easy reference when the world feels out of control. 

I think I will publish my gratitude list as my Thanksgiving post.  Now, though, I think the time has come to discuss what bitterly followed that one Thanksgiving Day.

I stuck up for someone important to me, a friend, a confidant, an identical twin sister.  My grandparents, we tried to keep sheltered.  The bitter debates that ensued over my sister’s courtship were unrelenting.  My parents strongly disapproved because he had not been working for quite some time (by their standards), he and my sister were spending all their free time together, and he hadn’t gone to college.  Boy, it’s not like he was abusive, did drugs, got arrested or anything like that.  Up until the moment my sister and her, now, husband were ready to walk down the aisle on their wedding day, did my parents decide to attend, at all.

Talk about stress.  Talk about being in the middle, loving each and every one of them.  No wonder I went on to develop Bipolar I, mania.  Life was just crazy.  Oh, I forgot.  I was also in the throws of anorexia at the time.  Gee, I really wasn’t coping well and added to my already large troubles.

This is all for now, as I must try to prevent insomnia which triggers seizures…more about that later.  Good night.  P.s.  I’ll update with the skills I used tomorrow.  They helped. 

Donna said...

Mainly, I reduced vulnerability. First by trying to follow my dietitian's plan regarding eating, and also I've been taking at least one 20 minute nap per day. I also got an A+ for keeping my exercise limited to one hour, even if it is vigorous; preferably not. I also remembered to pray and ask for help (PLEASE-Prayer, Eat, Sleep, Exercise). I definitely worked on overcoming the negative voices in my head and making a conscious effort to be less stubborn and take better care of myself (Willingness vs. Willfulness) Lastly, this time of year is very triggering for me as almost anyone knows, for the reasons above and all the other triggers in the month of November so I am going to try to be extra gentle with myself until at least the end of March, actually I'll try for a lifetime (Awareness).