No Returns

Some things can’t be taken back.  Especially this time of year, there are more stringent return policies not just on gifts but on harsh words too.

Dad at 9:54pm on 11/21/2010 told me he “was going to give me two puffy eyes”.  This was unprovoked and he said it when the two of us were sitting next to each other at the dining room table.  I immediately told him to take it back.  He wouldn’t.  He responded “take it with a grain of salt.” I asked again.  I told him he took his with lots of grains of salt.  He pours salt onto a lot of foods, a lot less than he used to but he still does. 

Saying anything threatening especially around Thanksgiving when the police had to get involved several years ago, this is no laughing matter.  I am actually re-traumatized and had flashbacks.  Again, he said it when only he and I were in the room.  At least, he’s not denying it.

After about 20 minutes, I asked him if he was going to take it back and he played dumb, probably purposely making me replay, aloud, the scenario, that brings him so much joy.  He thrives on striking fear in my heart.  He said the usual party line:  “I was being funny”.  I told him he lacked social graces and this wasn’t funny and he knew it.  He grumbled something and I asked him again.  He said fine, “I’ll take it back”.  He is desensitized to violence as he watches horrendous gun fights with horribly foul language.

I am scared to go to bed now and must try to use some more skills, yet.  Maybe I’ll breathe and act calmly.  This will serve two purposes since it is also practicing opposite to emotion action.  Self soothe might be really appropriate right now as well.

Some times, harsh words said can’t be returned.  I did not lash out or react and he can’t take the remark back.  No returns.  This is my form of an exchange.

Dear Old Dad

I am so aggravated and I want to make this relationship work.  I think I need to focus, today, on Interpersonal Effectiveness skills.  This was the least covered in all my groups, being due in part to the days I attended my IOP program.  And I have no doubt, that I can put this into practice anyway.

Let me go get my skills sheet in which to refer.  In my other blog http://lifes-a-balancing-act.blogspot.com, I wrote a post where one of my biggest fears is not being believed.  Dad just told me I had my door locked, when not only was in not closed all the way, it was open a good 7-12 inches.  He knows one way to bother me is to accuse me of doing something I didn’t.  I can’t remember the exact words he said, but he said he took offense to my door being locked.  It wasn’t.  Even when I have it closed all the way, which I didn’t, I never lock it.   

I just Described the background, now let me put my skills to use.  I am at a loss as whether to use Objective Effectiveness (DEAR WOMAN) and/or Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE).  With relationship effectiveness, I want to be Gentle.  To me, this means I want to respond not react.  I want Dad to know that I am Interested in his well-being and his happiness as well as being interested in the way his mind works.  I tried repeating and rewording what he said so he knew he was being heard.  This is Validation.  I tended to downplay the situation as not to be confrontational and tried to use open ended sentences to come across in an Easy Manner.  Not quite sure he heard the intended message which was “I hear you say you don’t think you should live alone and I also hear you say that you never had many friends and then you say you are happy…

I guess what Dad is telling me is that he is happy and he doesn’t think he should live alone although he says he could.  He is willing to learn from his mistakes.  So am I.  I didn’t use my skills perfectly and I did perfect them, same time. 

I went on to provide him Encouragement in being social and giving him a gentle nudge without pushing him by offering a few suggestions.  I Asked him if there was something I could do to make it easier.  I Reinforced that I was asking because I care about him and want to see him happy.  I also told him the more I see him making an effort, the more I am Willing to make an effort and reciprocate too.  I Observed the tension in the room and was Mindful of his viewpoints and timing of the conversation (which I explained).  I also Appeared confident in my ability to reach out to him and my ability to handle whatever he said.  We agreed on or Negotiated ways that he could be more aware and that he wouldn’t avoid the subject.  On a practical note, we mentioned different ways he could remember his prescriptions that he needed filled for the future.  My telling him the course of how this developed was being true to myself and therefore, I also accomplished Self-Respect Effectiveness.

Final Exam

FINAL EXAM

I am tired but do not allow myself rest

I must perform better than the best

I worry about leaving Dad an empty nest

Now my physical and mental abilities are put to the test

This is one test I will not succeed in passing

My mind, my body, have been thrashing

Situational anxiety and stressors, out are lashing

They almost chased me away, running and dashing

I will do it differently today

I will get my way and have my say

Silent predators, anorexia and narcolepsy among others, will not stand in my way

I will face them head on and keep them at bay

If only I had so much power

I could allow myself to sleep another hour

These internal rules are starting to pile up, to tower

I will look deep inside, and reach out as well, and will not cower

To succumb to new diagnoses, allow myself, I will not

Healthy internal voices help diseased one’s rot

Even when they sneak up on me, which they do a lot

This story, I can change, because I am the author of this, my plot

By Donna 11/19/2010 10:40am

Donna said...

This is a great example of Turning the Mind, or setting intentions along journey of achieving Wise Mind, repeatedly; sometimes several times within a minute's time span (Turning the Mind). Writing poetry gives my life meaning (Meaning). It allows me to Describe the situation from both perspectives (Describe and Wise Mind). I wrote while being connected to my body (Awareness). I did not dissociate. I tried to take an uncritical viewpoint when drawing conclusions (Non-judgmental stance). Hope you enjoy it and respect the hard work that is many's life career.

p.s. It's full of Imagery, too (Imagery)!

Scared Witless

This is no laughing matter.

I’ve been scared lately.  I’ve been scared of saying the wrong things.  I’ve been scared of doing the wrong things. I’ve been scared of what has been happening to me.  And, the only way to feel safe inside is to let those things out.  So here goes;

I still have some paranoia that others are going to steal my ideas before I can get them submitted.  I still have some paranoia that everyone is judging me.  And then I judge myself for being selfish by thinking that everyone is thinking/judging me.  In other words, I think they think I think that the world revolves around me.

Being called selfish was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.  And, the person who said it to me means the most to me – my identical twin sister.  It has left a scar.  Truth is, I probably was selfish but I only wanted her to spend some time with me instead of spending all the time with her then boyfriend, now current husband.

You see, I was the monkey in the middle.  I was pitted against both sides.  I was the mediator between my sister and her boyfriend against Mom and Dad.  And, I was the peace keeper.  And that brings us to this wonderful time of year:  Thanksgiving.

Though, to me, it is my favorite holiday because it celebrates one of my best skills, gratitude, yet it was also one of the worst memories I have.   I carry my list of 25, (actually 26, if you remember my earlier post), items I am grateful for in my purse at all times.  I keep it as easy reference when the world feels out of control. 

I think I will publish my gratitude list as my Thanksgiving post.  Now, though, I think the time has come to discuss what bitterly followed that one Thanksgiving Day.

I stuck up for someone important to me, a friend, a confidant, an identical twin sister.  My grandparents, we tried to keep sheltered.  The bitter debates that ensued over my sister’s courtship were unrelenting.  My parents strongly disapproved because he had not been working for quite some time (by their standards), he and my sister were spending all their free time together, and he hadn’t gone to college.  Boy, it’s not like he was abusive, did drugs, got arrested or anything like that.  Up until the moment my sister and her, now, husband were ready to walk down the aisle on their wedding day, did my parents decide to attend, at all.

Talk about stress.  Talk about being in the middle, loving each and every one of them.  No wonder I went on to develop Bipolar I, mania.  Life was just crazy.  Oh, I forgot.  I was also in the throws of anorexia at the time.  Gee, I really wasn’t coping well and added to my already large troubles.

This is all for now, as I must try to prevent insomnia which triggers seizures…more about that later.  Good night.  P.s.  I’ll update with the skills I used tomorrow.  They helped. 

Donna said...

Mainly, I reduced vulnerability. First by trying to follow my dietitian's plan regarding eating, and also I've been taking at least one 20 minute nap per day. I also got an A+ for keeping my exercise limited to one hour, even if it is vigorous; preferably not. I also remembered to pray and ask for help (PLEASE-Prayer, Eat, Sleep, Exercise). I definitely worked on overcoming the negative voices in my head and making a conscious effort to be less stubborn and take better care of myself (Willingness vs. Willfulness) Lastly, this time of year is very triggering for me as almost anyone knows, for the reasons above and all the other triggers in the month of November so I am going to try to be extra gentle with myself until at least the end of March, actually I'll try for a lifetime (Awareness).

Turning it Around

That’s what I’ve been up to lately.  Turning the mind is one skill I have certainly been using daily, minute by minute. I’ve had to combine therapeutic approaches and use everything in my toolbox lately.  I just read a wonderful piece on Psychodynamic Therapy in American Scientific Mind.  DBT taught me to do what ever works (Effectiveness).   I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone of DBT and get to know myself a little better by studying how past patterns are affecting my current situation in the present.  I believe this also ties into Mindfulness (Mindfulness), a key DBT module. 

I gained some awareness (Awareness) that what bothers me about my father, specifically making mountains out of molehills, is something I’ve actually done in the past.  I used to get very, very upset when I misplaced something. 

The logical part of me, the intellectual mind, knew it was almost (relationship thinking) impossible for something to disappear into thin air.  It had to be somewhere.  And I didn’t have to throw a temper tantrum, the emotion mind, every time something vanished.  I could reason and say that I am upset about having misplaced something and I will do what I can to find it.  This helps me to achieve Wise Mind (Wise Mind). 

I have been suffering by choice from a relapse of anorexia (Willingness vs. Willfulness).  The accountability does lie with me.  And I was triggered by my two neurologists, who both clearly knew my history, suggested that I lose weight when there was no apparent medical reason.  I did speak my mind in a calm fashion, stated the fact that I’ve seen a dietitian and she said my weight was fine at that time.  I was appropriately assertive.  I stood my ground even when confronted again as I was checking out.  I told no lies and have been entirely honest with all my treatment professionals (Relationship Effectiveness – FAST).

I am choosing to change the direction of this destructive path, minute by minute, meal by meal (Turning the Mind). 

I am grateful, my father has changed too and our relationship seems to be getting stronger though we still have the squabbles every roommate has.  We are each others rock.  He loves me and I love him.  He means a lot to me (IMPROVE-Meaning). 

My other major issue is my memory loss.  It is scary and I can do my best to deal with the problem and learn to cope (Radical Acceptance).  I have both short and long-term memory loss otherwise labeled as cognitive impairment.  And I do know that it has been like this or worse in the past and medication has made it better (Wise Mind).  I have an upcoming appointment with both neurologists and will bring it up for discussion. 

I will also politely tell them again that I found their comments triggering and at the suggestion of someone else, I will ask “What risk to my health was there?  How many less days or weeks or months would I have lost if I didn’t follow their weight loss advice?”  This is a non-adversary approach (Nonjudgmental Stance). 

I am thankful for all the support and will continue to try to turn it around.

Back to Basics

I am giving myself a round of applause.  I got back to basics.  The basics were not reading, writing, and arithmetic but eating, sleeping, and providing shelter.

I conquered anorexia for today, for now, in the present moment (IMPROVE -One-in-the-Moment).  I successfully ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner (PLEASE-Eat).  This was a direct result of setting an intention yesterday, the day before, and many times during today (Turning the Mind). 

I also took two naps (PLEASE-Sleep).  OK, I might have cheated on this one.  I got up early again, but I went back to bed for another hour a few hours later.  I think this qualifies and I am counting it a success.  My other nap was at Grandma’s.  I lied down for 20 minutes, my prescribed nap amount.  She did too.  It might not seem like much to some, but this is the doctor’s recommendations, not mine.  It’s just enough to feel refreshed and not wake up drowsy.

Yes, and that brings us to providing shelter.  Grandma, unfortunately, is coming to realize that she won’t be able to live on her own in her current apartment much more.  She is trying to stay as long as she thinks she is able.  Because of her increasing physical ailments and because I love her very much, I offered to come help her clean.  Actually, I may have been recruited too.  Our relationship is a good one and works both ways.  I can be myself around her (Relationship Effectiveness –FAST).

I am having a hard time accepting the diagnosis of narcolepsy itself and an even harder time accepting its limitations.  I get discouraged when I see that I have entered REM sleep too quickly again and that I, sometimes (Relationship Thinking), fall asleep with under a minute.  Both of these are telltale signs and have happened several times still this week.  The problem is my perception.  I am thinking that I can be cured.  The reality is that narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder and can not be cured and can be treated and I can learn to cope better (Wise Mind).

Just like I did yesterday, I can use Radical Acceptance.  I can accept narcolepsy without liking it (Radical Acceptance).  It seems so simple now.  Trust me, this wasn’t always the case.  The more I use these skills, the faster it occurs to use them the next time around.  I, sometimes, don’t even have to think about them.  They become ingrained.  So essentially, I have solved my own problems thanks to you and me.  Without writing about my skill use, it might have taken me longer to make this connection.

Of course, I exercised and I wrote (PLEASE-Exercise and Describe).  My latest post on my other blog is entitled “Best of Both Worlds” – what a perfect title for my next post here – Wouldn’t you agree?  It speaks to the Dialectical!

Pluses and Minuses

Today, I am tired.  This post may be short. It is important to me that I share my experiences.  Notice I am not apologizing unnecessarily.  I am using the Self respect effectiveness skill of FAST (FAST).  Being firm, avoiding unnecessary apologies, sticking to my values, and being true to self.

I finally figured out that I started getting less sleep at night when anorexia started to resurface.  I did not come to this conclusion sooner, and then again, anorexia affects my thinking as well.  So I decided to be productive and do something about it (Turning the Mind). 

Many people suffering from anorexia, or its relapse like me, also are perfectionists.  I, often, define myself by my productivity and I am trying to define myself through my poetry, through being a good friend and being my true self (relationship thinking).

What I did do about it was list Anorexia’s Pros and Cons.  This is not the typical two-sided T chart.  DBT does it a little differently.  I first listed the Pros of having anorexia (By having anorexia the positives are…), the Cons of having anorexia (By having anorexia the negatives are…), then the Pros of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia the positives are…), and the Cons of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia, the negatives are...).  The chart below may help:

Pros of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

Pros of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

It amazes me how well this worked.  Perhaps it is the fact that I love logic and math.  After all, I was employed as a successful accountant. I repeated the process for the Pros and Cons of staying with my ex-fiance, now my current boyfriend.  It made my thinking, though not the decision, clearer and easier to evaluate. (Pros and Cons).

Something else great happened today.  I was able to Radically Accept that I can love someone dearly and strongly dislike what they did.  In this case, I am referring to the abuse by a close family member.  I finally feel totally free (Radical Acceptance).  Writing and therapy both helped me come to this conclusion (Describe and Participate).

And with that conclusion, this shall be my conclusion for the night!

Everything Except the Essentials

I wrote and I wrote and I wrote some more (Describe).  What did I write? 

I focused on the positive by blogging about “A Day When Everything Went Right”.  This helped in several ways.  It helped me to keep upbeat (Build positive experiences).  It increased my self esteem and confidence (Build Mastery). It reminded me how I faced something difficult and overcame it (IMPROVE - Encouragement). 

At a friend’s suggestion, I blogged to raise both awareness and funds for hunger sponsored by the World Food Programme.  It gave meaning to my life since I have a fairly extensive volunteer history at both the State Food Bank and the Food Bank of the neighboring township.  It also gave me meaning since I have been a recipient of Food Stamps (IMPROVE-Meaning).  I have seen both sides.

I also wrote my six words on pain and hope cosponsored with TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit group centered around raising awareness for youth on depression, suicide, and self-injury.  My writings included:  “Sunlight and positivity brighten my day”, “No longer living in perpetual darkness”, “I stopped comparing myself to others”, and “Breathed in. Breathed out. Calmed down” (Awareness and Observe Breath).

I also bit my tongue, well actually just kept tight-lipped when Dad irritated me and I was annoyed and chose not to nitpick or fester an argument (Opposite to Emotion Action). Things are going better overall between us.

I did not take a nap although I needed to since I was tired.  This is one essential that I skipped today and I did not do as well as I could with respect to anorexia’s reign (PLEASE- Sleep and Eat).  I think I might try another skill when that comes in to play, perhaps the skill I was banned from because I was too good at it and overused it – (Pros and Cons). 

I used a lot of skills and want to work on the essentials.  The simplest things are sometimes the hardest for me.  That said, anorexia, perfectionism and productivity go hand-in-hand. 

I think I’ll wave goodbye to them and you (Turning the Mind).