Final Exam

FINAL EXAM

I am tired but do not allow myself rest

I must perform better than the best

I worry about leaving Dad an empty nest

Now my physical and mental abilities are put to the test

This is one test I will not succeed in passing

My mind, my body, have been thrashing

Situational anxiety and stressors, out are lashing

They almost chased me away, running and dashing

I will do it differently today

I will get my way and have my say

Silent predators, anorexia and narcolepsy among others, will not stand in my way

I will face them head on and keep them at bay

If only I had so much power

I could allow myself to sleep another hour

These internal rules are starting to pile up, to tower

I will look deep inside, and reach out as well, and will not cower

To succumb to new diagnoses, allow myself, I will not

Healthy internal voices help diseased one’s rot

Even when they sneak up on me, which they do a lot

This story, I can change, because I am the author of this, my plot

By Donna 11/19/2010 10:40am

Donna said...

This is a great example of Turning the Mind, or setting intentions along journey of achieving Wise Mind, repeatedly; sometimes several times within a minute's time span (Turning the Mind). Writing poetry gives my life meaning (Meaning). It allows me to Describe the situation from both perspectives (Describe and Wise Mind). I wrote while being connected to my body (Awareness). I did not dissociate. I tried to take an uncritical viewpoint when drawing conclusions (Non-judgmental stance). Hope you enjoy it and respect the hard work that is many's life career.

p.s. It's full of Imagery, too (Imagery)!

Turning it Around

That’s what I’ve been up to lately.  Turning the mind is one skill I have certainly been using daily, minute by minute. I’ve had to combine therapeutic approaches and use everything in my toolbox lately.  I just read a wonderful piece on Psychodynamic Therapy in American Scientific Mind.  DBT taught me to do what ever works (Effectiveness).   I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone of DBT and get to know myself a little better by studying how past patterns are affecting my current situation in the present.  I believe this also ties into Mindfulness (Mindfulness), a key DBT module. 

I gained some awareness (Awareness) that what bothers me about my father, specifically making mountains out of molehills, is something I’ve actually done in the past.  I used to get very, very upset when I misplaced something. 

The logical part of me, the intellectual mind, knew it was almost (relationship thinking) impossible for something to disappear into thin air.  It had to be somewhere.  And I didn’t have to throw a temper tantrum, the emotion mind, every time something vanished.  I could reason and say that I am upset about having misplaced something and I will do what I can to find it.  This helps me to achieve Wise Mind (Wise Mind). 

I have been suffering by choice from a relapse of anorexia (Willingness vs. Willfulness).  The accountability does lie with me.  And I was triggered by my two neurologists, who both clearly knew my history, suggested that I lose weight when there was no apparent medical reason.  I did speak my mind in a calm fashion, stated the fact that I’ve seen a dietitian and she said my weight was fine at that time.  I was appropriately assertive.  I stood my ground even when confronted again as I was checking out.  I told no lies and have been entirely honest with all my treatment professionals (Relationship Effectiveness – FAST).

I am choosing to change the direction of this destructive path, minute by minute, meal by meal (Turning the Mind). 

I am grateful, my father has changed too and our relationship seems to be getting stronger though we still have the squabbles every roommate has.  We are each others rock.  He loves me and I love him.  He means a lot to me (IMPROVE-Meaning). 

My other major issue is my memory loss.  It is scary and I can do my best to deal with the problem and learn to cope (Radical Acceptance).  I have both short and long-term memory loss otherwise labeled as cognitive impairment.  And I do know that it has been like this or worse in the past and medication has made it better (Wise Mind).  I have an upcoming appointment with both neurologists and will bring it up for discussion. 

I will also politely tell them again that I found their comments triggering and at the suggestion of someone else, I will ask “What risk to my health was there?  How many less days or weeks or months would I have lost if I didn’t follow their weight loss advice?”  This is a non-adversary approach (Nonjudgmental Stance). 

I am thankful for all the support and will continue to try to turn it around.

Back to Basics

I am giving myself a round of applause.  I got back to basics.  The basics were not reading, writing, and arithmetic but eating, sleeping, and providing shelter.

I conquered anorexia for today, for now, in the present moment (IMPROVE -One-in-the-Moment).  I successfully ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner (PLEASE-Eat).  This was a direct result of setting an intention yesterday, the day before, and many times during today (Turning the Mind). 

I also took two naps (PLEASE-Sleep).  OK, I might have cheated on this one.  I got up early again, but I went back to bed for another hour a few hours later.  I think this qualifies and I am counting it a success.  My other nap was at Grandma’s.  I lied down for 20 minutes, my prescribed nap amount.  She did too.  It might not seem like much to some, but this is the doctor’s recommendations, not mine.  It’s just enough to feel refreshed and not wake up drowsy.

Yes, and that brings us to providing shelter.  Grandma, unfortunately, is coming to realize that she won’t be able to live on her own in her current apartment much more.  She is trying to stay as long as she thinks she is able.  Because of her increasing physical ailments and because I love her very much, I offered to come help her clean.  Actually, I may have been recruited too.  Our relationship is a good one and works both ways.  I can be myself around her (Relationship Effectiveness –FAST).

I am having a hard time accepting the diagnosis of narcolepsy itself and an even harder time accepting its limitations.  I get discouraged when I see that I have entered REM sleep too quickly again and that I, sometimes (Relationship Thinking), fall asleep with under a minute.  Both of these are telltale signs and have happened several times still this week.  The problem is my perception.  I am thinking that I can be cured.  The reality is that narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder and can not be cured and can be treated and I can learn to cope better (Wise Mind).

Just like I did yesterday, I can use Radical Acceptance.  I can accept narcolepsy without liking it (Radical Acceptance).  It seems so simple now.  Trust me, this wasn’t always the case.  The more I use these skills, the faster it occurs to use them the next time around.  I, sometimes, don’t even have to think about them.  They become ingrained.  So essentially, I have solved my own problems thanks to you and me.  Without writing about my skill use, it might have taken me longer to make this connection.

Of course, I exercised and I wrote (PLEASE-Exercise and Describe).  My latest post on my other blog is entitled “Best of Both Worlds” – what a perfect title for my next post here – Wouldn’t you agree?  It speaks to the Dialectical!

Pluses and Minuses

Today, I am tired.  This post may be short. It is important to me that I share my experiences.  Notice I am not apologizing unnecessarily.  I am using the Self respect effectiveness skill of FAST (FAST).  Being firm, avoiding unnecessary apologies, sticking to my values, and being true to self.

I finally figured out that I started getting less sleep at night when anorexia started to resurface.  I did not come to this conclusion sooner, and then again, anorexia affects my thinking as well.  So I decided to be productive and do something about it (Turning the Mind). 

Many people suffering from anorexia, or its relapse like me, also are perfectionists.  I, often, define myself by my productivity and I am trying to define myself through my poetry, through being a good friend and being my true self (relationship thinking).

What I did do about it was list Anorexia’s Pros and Cons.  This is not the typical two-sided T chart.  DBT does it a little differently.  I first listed the Pros of having anorexia (By having anorexia the positives are…), the Cons of having anorexia (By having anorexia the negatives are…), then the Pros of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia the positives are…), and the Cons of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia, the negatives are...).  The chart below may help:

Pros of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

Pros of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

It amazes me how well this worked.  Perhaps it is the fact that I love logic and math.  After all, I was employed as a successful accountant. I repeated the process for the Pros and Cons of staying with my ex-fiance, now my current boyfriend.  It made my thinking, though not the decision, clearer and easier to evaluate. (Pros and Cons).

Something else great happened today.  I was able to Radically Accept that I can love someone dearly and strongly dislike what they did.  In this case, I am referring to the abuse by a close family member.  I finally feel totally free (Radical Acceptance).  Writing and therapy both helped me come to this conclusion (Describe and Participate).

And with that conclusion, this shall be my conclusion for the night!

Everything Except the Essentials

I wrote and I wrote and I wrote some more (Describe).  What did I write? 

I focused on the positive by blogging about “A Day When Everything Went Right”.  This helped in several ways.  It helped me to keep upbeat (Build positive experiences).  It increased my self esteem and confidence (Build Mastery). It reminded me how I faced something difficult and overcame it (IMPROVE - Encouragement). 

At a friend’s suggestion, I blogged to raise both awareness and funds for hunger sponsored by the World Food Programme.  It gave meaning to my life since I have a fairly extensive volunteer history at both the State Food Bank and the Food Bank of the neighboring township.  It also gave me meaning since I have been a recipient of Food Stamps (IMPROVE-Meaning).  I have seen both sides.

I also wrote my six words on pain and hope cosponsored with TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit group centered around raising awareness for youth on depression, suicide, and self-injury.  My writings included:  “Sunlight and positivity brighten my day”, “No longer living in perpetual darkness”, “I stopped comparing myself to others”, and “Breathed in. Breathed out. Calmed down” (Awareness and Observe Breath).

I also bit my tongue, well actually just kept tight-lipped when Dad irritated me and I was annoyed and chose not to nitpick or fester an argument (Opposite to Emotion Action). Things are going better overall between us.

I did not take a nap although I needed to since I was tired.  This is one essential that I skipped today and I did not do as well as I could with respect to anorexia’s reign (PLEASE- Sleep and Eat).  I think I might try another skill when that comes in to play, perhaps the skill I was banned from because I was too good at it and overused it – (Pros and Cons). 

I used a lot of skills and want to work on the essentials.  The simplest things are sometimes the hardest for me.  That said, anorexia, perfectionism and productivity go hand-in-hand. 

I think I’ll wave goodbye to them and you (Turning the Mind).

Trick and Treat

Today I am taking a slightly different twist on Halloween.  Instead of “Trick or Treat”, I am saying “Trick and Treat” because, with the dialectical, I can have two opposite emotions at the same time (Dialectical).  One does not negate or preclude the other.  Please feel free to borrow the saying for next year.

Today has been both.  I am going to be brutally honest.  The tricky part of the day involved the tricks that I allow anorexia to play on my mind.  My body image has been skewed for about 8 months now.  I am not allowing myself guilty pleasures including potato chips, candy, massages and daydreams.  I know that in moderation, any of these are fine and I do believe it sometimes (Wise Mind). 

The other trick is self-doubt.  I was certain about my decision not to get back together with my ex-fiance and I am uncertain that I can stick with my original decision.  I am gullible (Non-Judgmental Stance)am vulnerable when my defenses are down such as when I am tired, when I don’t give my body nourishment, and when I am faced with strong emotions including laughter and anger.

I was really tired, twice today, and I refused to take a nap (PLEASE-Sleep).  In other words, I did not allow myself a treat.  Actually, for me, the narcolepsy makes napping a requirement instead of a treat.  I had a hard time using skills today and I can have a better day beginning now (Turning the Mind).

The treat was that my relationship with my Dad seems to be improving.  We hugged.  I scratched his back.  And he has mine (Relationship Effectiveness).  I also treated myself last night with Belleruth Naparstek’s Guided Imagery for Fibromyalgia (IMPROVE- Imagery). 

I remembered to pray and express my thanks that the pain in my neck and head eventually abated.  I am grateful it was not worse, like last year.  I also asked for help from Mom & God to decrease my anxiety (IMPROVE- Prayer).  They reminded me to use Describe.  I’ve been spending too much time in my own head, so when I realized I was doing this, I stopped.  Instead I focused on one thing at a time (One Mindfully) and described the objects in my room out loud (Describe).  This really works for me and is a wonderful thought stopper. I also focused on the physical sensations of my body, where it was and how I felt (Awareness).

I was cognizant of my language.  I don’t usually curse, but this is not what I mean.  Instead I was conscious of avoiding terms like “Always”, “Never”, “All”, or “None” (Relationship Thinking).  I think I succeeded.

With that, I will proceed to wind down for the night. And once again, “Happy Halloween – Trick and Treat”.

Looking back on my day - Observing

Today, I practiced Mindfulness.  In particular, the Observe (Observe) skill.  At first, you're probably saying, "Big deal.  So you stopped and took notice of what is around you.  Laa.Dee.Dah".  Actually, it's a huge deal. 

I often spend too much time in my own head, replaying my day and pondering what would have been if I did things differently.  I can get lost in there, it's such a maze.

I practiced without judgment (Non-Judgmental Stance), another mindfulness skill, but I'll save that for a later post.  I was feeling a little tense so I laid on my back with both my knees bent and both feet on the couch.  I set an intention (Turning the Mind) that I would just let the thoughts, whatever they were, to come and go without categorizing them.  I started with counted breath (Breathing), in two counts, out six.  The thoughts came and went like a old movie film on a reel.  They were passing clouds.  I saw amorphous shapes that turned into images.  I just was. I was being. I was genuine. I was me.

The second time that I used Observe today was when I was confronted with severe memory problems.  We're not talking about something that just slipped my mind.  We are talking about a TV show that I supposedly watched several episodes last week with the same leading characters and I truly don't recall any of it --AT ALL.  So, instead of freaking out and making my memory even worse, I said to myself..."It just is". No judgment (Non-Judgmental Stance).  Just Radical Acceptance (Radical Acceptance).  Used Wise Mind (Wise Mind).  The rational or intellect met the emotional or feeling.  They kept each other in check.  In balance.  And, I was OK. 

It is scary and I know it's due to a medical condition.  This is a great example of the Dialectical.  Feeling two opposite things at the same time, neither negating the other.  Notice, and I will honestly admit, that I had to correct myself because my original sentence used "but" as a conjunction when Wise Mind meant and said, "It is scary and I know. . ."    [Thanks DBT Group Facilitators and Members] and thanks to my Wise Mind.