No Returns

Some things can’t be taken back.  Especially this time of year, there are more stringent return policies not just on gifts but on harsh words too.

Dad at 9:54pm on 11/21/2010 told me he “was going to give me two puffy eyes”.  This was unprovoked and he said it when the two of us were sitting next to each other at the dining room table.  I immediately told him to take it back.  He wouldn’t.  He responded “take it with a grain of salt.” I asked again.  I told him he took his with lots of grains of salt.  He pours salt onto a lot of foods, a lot less than he used to but he still does. 

Saying anything threatening especially around Thanksgiving when the police had to get involved several years ago, this is no laughing matter.  I am actually re-traumatized and had flashbacks.  Again, he said it when only he and I were in the room.  At least, he’s not denying it.

After about 20 minutes, I asked him if he was going to take it back and he played dumb, probably purposely making me replay, aloud, the scenario, that brings him so much joy.  He thrives on striking fear in my heart.  He said the usual party line:  “I was being funny”.  I told him he lacked social graces and this wasn’t funny and he knew it.  He grumbled something and I asked him again.  He said fine, “I’ll take it back”.  He is desensitized to violence as he watches horrendous gun fights with horribly foul language.

I am scared to go to bed now and must try to use some more skills, yet.  Maybe I’ll breathe and act calmly.  This will serve two purposes since it is also practicing opposite to emotion action.  Self soothe might be really appropriate right now as well.

Some times, harsh words said can’t be returned.  I did not lash out or react and he can’t take the remark back.  No returns.  This is my form of an exchange.

Skills Testing: High Difficulty Level

It was difficult using skills today.  I started off with a high degree of pain from both the fibromyalgia and the stress.  I had a moderately bad headache from the many knots in my neck and upper back.  I did manage to remember to breathe (Breathe) in 2 out 6.  It immediately helped calm my adult version of a temper tantrum.  Dad helped too.  His encouragement and listening made a big difference.  Coffee helped my headache as well.

I am proud to say that I recognized that today would be draining so I made sure to provide fuel to my body and mind in terms of food (PLEASE – Eat). 

Today, I went to visit my maternal grandmother.  I love her very much and she reminds me of how much I miss my mother, her daughter.  Halloween is especially difficult as Grandma, Pop-Pop, Mom, my twin sister and I always went trick-or-treating together.  It’s one of the memories that I’ll most likely have for a lifetime.  Pop-Pop’s gone too.  He passed away six months after my mother.

Luckily, my therapist was able to return my call and help me cope with my latest challenge (IMPROVE-Encouragement). Thanks so much, Dr. H.   I repeated three things that she told me as best as I remember.

1.                Today is a different day

read: the past doesn’t have to be repeated and be totally in the present moment (One-in-the-Moment)

2.                I don’t have to go down that path

read: I don’t have to make decisions before I even face them, and I can prevent a self-fulfilling prophecy

3.                Stay out of my own head

read: I can get lost in my own thoughts and stay fully focused of what I am doing exactly that minute (Awareness) and do something that distracts me (Distraction)

4.                I don’t have to stay if I don’t want to

read:  I can leave at anytime and go for a walk

             

By doing all the above, I was able to fully focus on Grandma while taking care of myself (Effectiveness & Participate). I was able to pray and ask my Mom and God for help (IMPROVE – Prayer). 

I also gave myself permission to leave when I wanted without guilt.  This was a first.  And Grandma does always try to lay guilt on, not to hurt me but to protect herself. 

I also incorporated a little self-soothe (Self Soothe the Five Senses) by using white tea therapy body lotion on Grandma’s hands while doing her nails (Build positive experiences).

I usually experience narcoleptic symptoms after visiting Grandma because narcolepsy is triggered by strong emotions and I love and worry about Grandma very, very much.  So, I am writing now (Describe) and promise that I will listen to Belleruth Naparstek’s Guided Imagery for Fibromyalgia (IMPROVE – Imagery) as I fall to sleep.

Efficient at Effectiveness

I started the morning healthfully by engaging in part of self soothe (Self Soothe the Five Senses) by spraying my bedroom with Dragonfruit Febreze.

Those who have known me for a long time, certainly know that I can go absolutely berserk when I lose something.  It doesn’t even have to be important.  It is just the fact that my intellect is telling me that it is an absolute impossibility for anything besides steam to disappear into thin air.  The emotional side of me gets hysterical.  Well, today I did it differently (Wise Mind).  I didn’t freak out about losing something fairly important and critical – my Dental Coverage of Services document that explains my benefits to which I am entitled.  I focused instead on Effectiveness (Effectiveness) – doing what works.  So I looked as thoroughly as neatly possible and then instead decided that I am going to call the State Medicaid Dental Association and use Interpersonal Effectiveness (DEAR WOMAN) skills.  Stay tuned tomorrow to see how well that works.

I also used Effectiveness when speaking to my grandmother.  She has been having a very difficult, and sometimes, impossible, time understanding my speech, especially over the telephone.  Due to my medications and residual Bell’s Palsy, especially when I am tired, my speech has been an issue in the past.  However, since getting off of some of my medications, my speech has improved drastically and Grandma is still having problems understanding me to the point where I have needed a friend or family member to interpret for us.  I focused on Effectiveness by listening to her responses to see if she heard me correctly, talking softer, using different vocabulary, and scheduling an in person visit.

This was also a lesson in Willingness versus Willfulness (Willingness vs. Willfulness).  Willingness – Accepting what is and doing what works versus Willfulness – being stubborn and hurt and not calling Grandma at all.  I will need to Self-Soothe (Self Soothe the Five Senses) after my visit since my extreme love for her triggers my narcolepsy.

Today, I also used part of IMPROVE (IMPROVE) by “M”eaning in which I wrote six word memoirs as my outlet to a lover’s feud, my feelings and fright over natural disasters, and my attitude of gratitude.

I used the PLEASE (PLEASE) skills of “E”at and “E”xercise by having lunch even though I was not hungry and exercising in moderation not to excess.

What more will tomorrow bring…