No Returns

Some things can’t be taken back.  Especially this time of year, there are more stringent return policies not just on gifts but on harsh words too.

Dad at 9:54pm on 11/21/2010 told me he “was going to give me two puffy eyes”.  This was unprovoked and he said it when the two of us were sitting next to each other at the dining room table.  I immediately told him to take it back.  He wouldn’t.  He responded “take it with a grain of salt.” I asked again.  I told him he took his with lots of grains of salt.  He pours salt onto a lot of foods, a lot less than he used to but he still does. 

Saying anything threatening especially around Thanksgiving when the police had to get involved several years ago, this is no laughing matter.  I am actually re-traumatized and had flashbacks.  Again, he said it when only he and I were in the room.  At least, he’s not denying it.

After about 20 minutes, I asked him if he was going to take it back and he played dumb, probably purposely making me replay, aloud, the scenario, that brings him so much joy.  He thrives on striking fear in my heart.  He said the usual party line:  “I was being funny”.  I told him he lacked social graces and this wasn’t funny and he knew it.  He grumbled something and I asked him again.  He said fine, “I’ll take it back”.  He is desensitized to violence as he watches horrendous gun fights with horribly foul language.

I am scared to go to bed now and must try to use some more skills, yet.  Maybe I’ll breathe and act calmly.  This will serve two purposes since it is also practicing opposite to emotion action.  Self soothe might be really appropriate right now as well.

Some times, harsh words said can’t be returned.  I did not lash out or react and he can’t take the remark back.  No returns.  This is my form of an exchange.

Dear Old Dad

I am so aggravated and I want to make this relationship work.  I think I need to focus, today, on Interpersonal Effectiveness skills.  This was the least covered in all my groups, being due in part to the days I attended my IOP program.  And I have no doubt, that I can put this into practice anyway.

Let me go get my skills sheet in which to refer.  In my other blog http://lifes-a-balancing-act.blogspot.com, I wrote a post where one of my biggest fears is not being believed.  Dad just told me I had my door locked, when not only was in not closed all the way, it was open a good 7-12 inches.  He knows one way to bother me is to accuse me of doing something I didn’t.  I can’t remember the exact words he said, but he said he took offense to my door being locked.  It wasn’t.  Even when I have it closed all the way, which I didn’t, I never lock it.   

I just Described the background, now let me put my skills to use.  I am at a loss as whether to use Objective Effectiveness (DEAR WOMAN) and/or Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE).  With relationship effectiveness, I want to be Gentle.  To me, this means I want to respond not react.  I want Dad to know that I am Interested in his well-being and his happiness as well as being interested in the way his mind works.  I tried repeating and rewording what he said so he knew he was being heard.  This is Validation.  I tended to downplay the situation as not to be confrontational and tried to use open ended sentences to come across in an Easy Manner.  Not quite sure he heard the intended message which was “I hear you say you don’t think you should live alone and I also hear you say that you never had many friends and then you say you are happy…

I guess what Dad is telling me is that he is happy and he doesn’t think he should live alone although he says he could.  He is willing to learn from his mistakes.  So am I.  I didn’t use my skills perfectly and I did perfect them, same time. 

I went on to provide him Encouragement in being social and giving him a gentle nudge without pushing him by offering a few suggestions.  I Asked him if there was something I could do to make it easier.  I Reinforced that I was asking because I care about him and want to see him happy.  I also told him the more I see him making an effort, the more I am Willing to make an effort and reciprocate too.  I Observed the tension in the room and was Mindful of his viewpoints and timing of the conversation (which I explained).  I also Appeared confident in my ability to reach out to him and my ability to handle whatever he said.  We agreed on or Negotiated ways that he could be more aware and that he wouldn’t avoid the subject.  On a practical note, we mentioned different ways he could remember his prescriptions that he needed filled for the future.  My telling him the course of how this developed was being true to myself and therefore, I also accomplished Self-Respect Effectiveness.