No Returns

Some things can’t be taken back.  Especially this time of year, there are more stringent return policies not just on gifts but on harsh words too.

Dad at 9:54pm on 11/21/2010 told me he “was going to give me two puffy eyes”.  This was unprovoked and he said it when the two of us were sitting next to each other at the dining room table.  I immediately told him to take it back.  He wouldn’t.  He responded “take it with a grain of salt.” I asked again.  I told him he took his with lots of grains of salt.  He pours salt onto a lot of foods, a lot less than he used to but he still does. 

Saying anything threatening especially around Thanksgiving when the police had to get involved several years ago, this is no laughing matter.  I am actually re-traumatized and had flashbacks.  Again, he said it when only he and I were in the room.  At least, he’s not denying it.

After about 20 minutes, I asked him if he was going to take it back and he played dumb, probably purposely making me replay, aloud, the scenario, that brings him so much joy.  He thrives on striking fear in my heart.  He said the usual party line:  “I was being funny”.  I told him he lacked social graces and this wasn’t funny and he knew it.  He grumbled something and I asked him again.  He said fine, “I’ll take it back”.  He is desensitized to violence as he watches horrendous gun fights with horribly foul language.

I am scared to go to bed now and must try to use some more skills, yet.  Maybe I’ll breathe and act calmly.  This will serve two purposes since it is also practicing opposite to emotion action.  Self soothe might be really appropriate right now as well.

Some times, harsh words said can’t be returned.  I did not lash out or react and he can’t take the remark back.  No returns.  This is my form of an exchange.

Everything Except the Essentials

I wrote and I wrote and I wrote some more (Describe).  What did I write? 

I focused on the positive by blogging about “A Day When Everything Went Right”.  This helped in several ways.  It helped me to keep upbeat (Build positive experiences).  It increased my self esteem and confidence (Build Mastery). It reminded me how I faced something difficult and overcame it (IMPROVE - Encouragement). 

At a friend’s suggestion, I blogged to raise both awareness and funds for hunger sponsored by the World Food Programme.  It gave meaning to my life since I have a fairly extensive volunteer history at both the State Food Bank and the Food Bank of the neighboring township.  It also gave me meaning since I have been a recipient of Food Stamps (IMPROVE-Meaning).  I have seen both sides.

I also wrote my six words on pain and hope cosponsored with TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit group centered around raising awareness for youth on depression, suicide, and self-injury.  My writings included:  “Sunlight and positivity brighten my day”, “No longer living in perpetual darkness”, “I stopped comparing myself to others”, and “Breathed in. Breathed out. Calmed down” (Awareness and Observe Breath).

I also bit my tongue, well actually just kept tight-lipped when Dad irritated me and I was annoyed and chose not to nitpick or fester an argument (Opposite to Emotion Action). Things are going better overall between us.

I did not take a nap although I needed to since I was tired.  This is one essential that I skipped today and I did not do as well as I could with respect to anorexia’s reign (PLEASE- Sleep and Eat).  I think I might try another skill when that comes in to play, perhaps the skill I was banned from because I was too good at it and overused it – (Pros and Cons). 

I used a lot of skills and want to work on the essentials.  The simplest things are sometimes the hardest for me.  That said, anorexia, perfectionism and productivity go hand-in-hand. 

I think I’ll wave goodbye to them and you (Turning the Mind).

It Was Like Pulling Teeth

Reaching my goals was like pulling teeth

Today, I had to go to the dentist, again.  While they used the drill, I used skill(s).  Thankfully, I focused on doing one thing at a time (One Mindfully) which helps me since I have truly have serious memory problems.  I’m focusing on what works for me (Effectiveness).  I recalled reading my Covered Benefits statement and remembered that composite (white/bonded) fillings are a covered service.  However, my new dentist, after my other new dentist committed a variety of criminal infractions (yes, really), actually outright lied to me to increase her own income.  This is the story and how I used my skills.

I am very depressed about needing 15 fillings and 1 crown because I brush my teeth twice a day, floss, use Prevident, and Act Total Care both with fluoride and visit the dentist every 6 months.  I just had a checkup two months ago, yet none of this was detected…hence the criminal infractions…charging for services that weren’t performed, falsifying records (after all dental records are used to identify bodies, OMG), and refusing to give me my dental records which is required by law.

Most people are scared of the dentist anyhow.  This certainly scared me.  My newest dentist told me that Medicaid only pays for composite fillings on the four front teeth.  I asked her twice.  Her staff and billing department told me the same thing and recommended that I pay out of pocket and were practically writing up the bill when I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have silver over most, not all, (relationship thinking) of my teeth.  These are the teeth that I care for every day.  I told the dentist and her staff that I thought Medicaid covered all composites and that I even had composites done on my other teeth.  Of course these fell out and my new dentist told me “You get what you pay for”.

I was scheduled for these fillings at 11am today.  I called the Medicaid State Dental Unit and wanted to know what services were covered.  I explained (Describe) the situation and provided background, I thanked the representative for their past help (Encouragement).  Then I asked (Ask) specifically if composite fillings were a covered service.  She said she didn’t know.  What!  This is the highest level (comparable to the Supreme Court) and the representative was telling me she didn’t know and to just ask my dentist, they would know.

I explained that I read it was covered, that one dentist was telling me the composites were covered, and my current dentist was telling me only four were covered.  I asked (Asked) for clarification on the mixed messages.  She said to take the dentist at their word. 

I was in awe that she was not helpful in the least.  So I tried to practice Non-Judgmental Stance (Non-Judgmental Stance).  It worked.  I thought about other ways to get the needed information and called a local dental clinic and Medicaid customer support who all led me back to the State Medicaid Dental Unit.

So, I called again hoping to get another representative.  No luck there so I continued my Objective Effectiveness skills of DEARMAN:  I repeated our earlier conversation regarding the mixed messages (Reinforced). I was conscious (Mindful) that there are only 6 employees for the entire state.  I emphasized my belief that I was correct that they were covered (Appear Confident) and asked her if she could please check with someone on her staff (Negotiate).  She said they were a covered service.  I asked, “For all my teeth?”  “Yes, and you don’t need pre-authorization for fillings.”

Repeated the skills with my new dentist who, rather reluctantly, told me I was correct, however, it was her practice and she used higher grade materials so she was choosing not to do it herself since Medicaid had not raised their rates in ten years.  She was more than willing to let me have them done by another dentist.  She didn’t have to lie to me in the first place to coax me into paying out of pocket to better her pocket.  And she didn’t have to have her staff cover for her.  I am still deciding what to do about this matter, for a later post.

I felt intimidated especially since she was going to be drilling in my mouth, however, I asserted myself and told her she could have told me this ahead of time.  I usually avoid confrontation but instead I was fair to myself, didn’t apologize, stuck to what I knew was right, and kept my honor (Self-respect effectiveness:  FAST) and (opposite to emotion action).  I gave the dentist a half-smile to show I was calm and aware of her final honesty (Half-smile). And I appreciated that she uses better materials and does not discriminate against those with Medicaid. 

I increased my feelings of self-worth and confidence through creative writing at SMITH and on my blog (Building Mastery).  I exercised in moderation (PLEASE).  I also reread my therapy homework assignment which increased my self-confidence and kept me calm (Build positive experiences).

On that note, I think tonight I will practice guided imagery or just relax (IMPROVE).

Here’s to good dental health.