Turning it Around

That’s what I’ve been up to lately.  Turning the mind is one skill I have certainly been using daily, minute by minute. I’ve had to combine therapeutic approaches and use everything in my toolbox lately.  I just read a wonderful piece on Psychodynamic Therapy in American Scientific Mind.  DBT taught me to do what ever works (Effectiveness).   I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone of DBT and get to know myself a little better by studying how past patterns are affecting my current situation in the present.  I believe this also ties into Mindfulness (Mindfulness), a key DBT module. 

I gained some awareness (Awareness) that what bothers me about my father, specifically making mountains out of molehills, is something I’ve actually done in the past.  I used to get very, very upset when I misplaced something. 

The logical part of me, the intellectual mind, knew it was almost (relationship thinking) impossible for something to disappear into thin air.  It had to be somewhere.  And I didn’t have to throw a temper tantrum, the emotion mind, every time something vanished.  I could reason and say that I am upset about having misplaced something and I will do what I can to find it.  This helps me to achieve Wise Mind (Wise Mind). 

I have been suffering by choice from a relapse of anorexia (Willingness vs. Willfulness).  The accountability does lie with me.  And I was triggered by my two neurologists, who both clearly knew my history, suggested that I lose weight when there was no apparent medical reason.  I did speak my mind in a calm fashion, stated the fact that I’ve seen a dietitian and she said my weight was fine at that time.  I was appropriately assertive.  I stood my ground even when confronted again as I was checking out.  I told no lies and have been entirely honest with all my treatment professionals (Relationship Effectiveness – FAST).

I am choosing to change the direction of this destructive path, minute by minute, meal by meal (Turning the Mind). 

I am grateful, my father has changed too and our relationship seems to be getting stronger though we still have the squabbles every roommate has.  We are each others rock.  He loves me and I love him.  He means a lot to me (IMPROVE-Meaning). 

My other major issue is my memory loss.  It is scary and I can do my best to deal with the problem and learn to cope (Radical Acceptance).  I have both short and long-term memory loss otherwise labeled as cognitive impairment.  And I do know that it has been like this or worse in the past and medication has made it better (Wise Mind).  I have an upcoming appointment with both neurologists and will bring it up for discussion. 

I will also politely tell them again that I found their comments triggering and at the suggestion of someone else, I will ask “What risk to my health was there?  How many less days or weeks or months would I have lost if I didn’t follow their weight loss advice?”  This is a non-adversary approach (Nonjudgmental Stance). 

I am thankful for all the support and will continue to try to turn it around.

Pluses and Minuses

Today, I am tired.  This post may be short. It is important to me that I share my experiences.  Notice I am not apologizing unnecessarily.  I am using the Self respect effectiveness skill of FAST (FAST).  Being firm, avoiding unnecessary apologies, sticking to my values, and being true to self.

I finally figured out that I started getting less sleep at night when anorexia started to resurface.  I did not come to this conclusion sooner, and then again, anorexia affects my thinking as well.  So I decided to be productive and do something about it (Turning the Mind). 

Many people suffering from anorexia, or its relapse like me, also are perfectionists.  I, often, define myself by my productivity and I am trying to define myself through my poetry, through being a good friend and being my true self (relationship thinking).

What I did do about it was list Anorexia’s Pros and Cons.  This is not the typical two-sided T chart.  DBT does it a little differently.  I first listed the Pros of having anorexia (By having anorexia the positives are…), the Cons of having anorexia (By having anorexia the negatives are…), then the Pros of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia the positives are…), and the Cons of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia, the negatives are...).  The chart below may help:

Pros of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

Pros of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

It amazes me how well this worked.  Perhaps it is the fact that I love logic and math.  After all, I was employed as a successful accountant. I repeated the process for the Pros and Cons of staying with my ex-fiance, now my current boyfriend.  It made my thinking, though not the decision, clearer and easier to evaluate. (Pros and Cons).

Something else great happened today.  I was able to Radically Accept that I can love someone dearly and strongly dislike what they did.  In this case, I am referring to the abuse by a close family member.  I finally feel totally free (Radical Acceptance).  Writing and therapy both helped me come to this conclusion (Describe and Participate).

And with that conclusion, this shall be my conclusion for the night!