Final Exam

FINAL EXAM

I am tired but do not allow myself rest

I must perform better than the best

I worry about leaving Dad an empty nest

Now my physical and mental abilities are put to the test

This is one test I will not succeed in passing

My mind, my body, have been thrashing

Situational anxiety and stressors, out are lashing

They almost chased me away, running and dashing

I will do it differently today

I will get my way and have my say

Silent predators, anorexia and narcolepsy among others, will not stand in my way

I will face them head on and keep them at bay

If only I had so much power

I could allow myself to sleep another hour

These internal rules are starting to pile up, to tower

I will look deep inside, and reach out as well, and will not cower

To succumb to new diagnoses, allow myself, I will not

Healthy internal voices help diseased one’s rot

Even when they sneak up on me, which they do a lot

This story, I can change, because I am the author of this, my plot

By Donna 11/19/2010 10:40am

Donna said...

This is a great example of Turning the Mind, or setting intentions along journey of achieving Wise Mind, repeatedly; sometimes several times within a minute's time span (Turning the Mind). Writing poetry gives my life meaning (Meaning). It allows me to Describe the situation from both perspectives (Describe and Wise Mind). I wrote while being connected to my body (Awareness). I did not dissociate. I tried to take an uncritical viewpoint when drawing conclusions (Non-judgmental stance). Hope you enjoy it and respect the hard work that is many's life career.

p.s. It's full of Imagery, too (Imagery)!

Turning it Around

That’s what I’ve been up to lately.  Turning the mind is one skill I have certainly been using daily, minute by minute. I’ve had to combine therapeutic approaches and use everything in my toolbox lately.  I just read a wonderful piece on Psychodynamic Therapy in American Scientific Mind.  DBT taught me to do what ever works (Effectiveness).   I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone of DBT and get to know myself a little better by studying how past patterns are affecting my current situation in the present.  I believe this also ties into Mindfulness (Mindfulness), a key DBT module. 

I gained some awareness (Awareness) that what bothers me about my father, specifically making mountains out of molehills, is something I’ve actually done in the past.  I used to get very, very upset when I misplaced something. 

The logical part of me, the intellectual mind, knew it was almost (relationship thinking) impossible for something to disappear into thin air.  It had to be somewhere.  And I didn’t have to throw a temper tantrum, the emotion mind, every time something vanished.  I could reason and say that I am upset about having misplaced something and I will do what I can to find it.  This helps me to achieve Wise Mind (Wise Mind). 

I have been suffering by choice from a relapse of anorexia (Willingness vs. Willfulness).  The accountability does lie with me.  And I was triggered by my two neurologists, who both clearly knew my history, suggested that I lose weight when there was no apparent medical reason.  I did speak my mind in a calm fashion, stated the fact that I’ve seen a dietitian and she said my weight was fine at that time.  I was appropriately assertive.  I stood my ground even when confronted again as I was checking out.  I told no lies and have been entirely honest with all my treatment professionals (Relationship Effectiveness – FAST).

I am choosing to change the direction of this destructive path, minute by minute, meal by meal (Turning the Mind). 

I am grateful, my father has changed too and our relationship seems to be getting stronger though we still have the squabbles every roommate has.  We are each others rock.  He loves me and I love him.  He means a lot to me (IMPROVE-Meaning). 

My other major issue is my memory loss.  It is scary and I can do my best to deal with the problem and learn to cope (Radical Acceptance).  I have both short and long-term memory loss otherwise labeled as cognitive impairment.  And I do know that it has been like this or worse in the past and medication has made it better (Wise Mind).  I have an upcoming appointment with both neurologists and will bring it up for discussion. 

I will also politely tell them again that I found their comments triggering and at the suggestion of someone else, I will ask “What risk to my health was there?  How many less days or weeks or months would I have lost if I didn’t follow their weight loss advice?”  This is a non-adversary approach (Nonjudgmental Stance). 

I am thankful for all the support and will continue to try to turn it around.

Everything Except the Essentials

I wrote and I wrote and I wrote some more (Describe).  What did I write? 

I focused on the positive by blogging about “A Day When Everything Went Right”.  This helped in several ways.  It helped me to keep upbeat (Build positive experiences).  It increased my self esteem and confidence (Build Mastery). It reminded me how I faced something difficult and overcame it (IMPROVE - Encouragement). 

At a friend’s suggestion, I blogged to raise both awareness and funds for hunger sponsored by the World Food Programme.  It gave meaning to my life since I have a fairly extensive volunteer history at both the State Food Bank and the Food Bank of the neighboring township.  It also gave me meaning since I have been a recipient of Food Stamps (IMPROVE-Meaning).  I have seen both sides.

I also wrote my six words on pain and hope cosponsored with TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit group centered around raising awareness for youth on depression, suicide, and self-injury.  My writings included:  “Sunlight and positivity brighten my day”, “No longer living in perpetual darkness”, “I stopped comparing myself to others”, and “Breathed in. Breathed out. Calmed down” (Awareness and Observe Breath).

I also bit my tongue, well actually just kept tight-lipped when Dad irritated me and I was annoyed and chose not to nitpick or fester an argument (Opposite to Emotion Action). Things are going better overall between us.

I did not take a nap although I needed to since I was tired.  This is one essential that I skipped today and I did not do as well as I could with respect to anorexia’s reign (PLEASE- Sleep and Eat).  I think I might try another skill when that comes in to play, perhaps the skill I was banned from because I was too good at it and overused it – (Pros and Cons). 

I used a lot of skills and want to work on the essentials.  The simplest things are sometimes the hardest for me.  That said, anorexia, perfectionism and productivity go hand-in-hand. 

I think I’ll wave goodbye to them and you (Turning the Mind).