Turning it Around

That’s what I’ve been up to lately.  Turning the mind is one skill I have certainly been using daily, minute by minute. I’ve had to combine therapeutic approaches and use everything in my toolbox lately.  I just read a wonderful piece on Psychodynamic Therapy in American Scientific Mind.  DBT taught me to do what ever works (Effectiveness).   I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone of DBT and get to know myself a little better by studying how past patterns are affecting my current situation in the present.  I believe this also ties into Mindfulness (Mindfulness), a key DBT module. 

I gained some awareness (Awareness) that what bothers me about my father, specifically making mountains out of molehills, is something I’ve actually done in the past.  I used to get very, very upset when I misplaced something. 

The logical part of me, the intellectual mind, knew it was almost (relationship thinking) impossible for something to disappear into thin air.  It had to be somewhere.  And I didn’t have to throw a temper tantrum, the emotion mind, every time something vanished.  I could reason and say that I am upset about having misplaced something and I will do what I can to find it.  This helps me to achieve Wise Mind (Wise Mind). 

I have been suffering by choice from a relapse of anorexia (Willingness vs. Willfulness).  The accountability does lie with me.  And I was triggered by my two neurologists, who both clearly knew my history, suggested that I lose weight when there was no apparent medical reason.  I did speak my mind in a calm fashion, stated the fact that I’ve seen a dietitian and she said my weight was fine at that time.  I was appropriately assertive.  I stood my ground even when confronted again as I was checking out.  I told no lies and have been entirely honest with all my treatment professionals (Relationship Effectiveness – FAST).

I am choosing to change the direction of this destructive path, minute by minute, meal by meal (Turning the Mind). 

I am grateful, my father has changed too and our relationship seems to be getting stronger though we still have the squabbles every roommate has.  We are each others rock.  He loves me and I love him.  He means a lot to me (IMPROVE-Meaning). 

My other major issue is my memory loss.  It is scary and I can do my best to deal with the problem and learn to cope (Radical Acceptance).  I have both short and long-term memory loss otherwise labeled as cognitive impairment.  And I do know that it has been like this or worse in the past and medication has made it better (Wise Mind).  I have an upcoming appointment with both neurologists and will bring it up for discussion. 

I will also politely tell them again that I found their comments triggering and at the suggestion of someone else, I will ask “What risk to my health was there?  How many less days or weeks or months would I have lost if I didn’t follow their weight loss advice?”  This is a non-adversary approach (Nonjudgmental Stance). 

I am thankful for all the support and will continue to try to turn it around.

Back to Basics

I am giving myself a round of applause.  I got back to basics.  The basics were not reading, writing, and arithmetic but eating, sleeping, and providing shelter.

I conquered anorexia for today, for now, in the present moment (IMPROVE -One-in-the-Moment).  I successfully ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner (PLEASE-Eat).  This was a direct result of setting an intention yesterday, the day before, and many times during today (Turning the Mind). 

I also took two naps (PLEASE-Sleep).  OK, I might have cheated on this one.  I got up early again, but I went back to bed for another hour a few hours later.  I think this qualifies and I am counting it a success.  My other nap was at Grandma’s.  I lied down for 20 minutes, my prescribed nap amount.  She did too.  It might not seem like much to some, but this is the doctor’s recommendations, not mine.  It’s just enough to feel refreshed and not wake up drowsy.

Yes, and that brings us to providing shelter.  Grandma, unfortunately, is coming to realize that she won’t be able to live on her own in her current apartment much more.  She is trying to stay as long as she thinks she is able.  Because of her increasing physical ailments and because I love her very much, I offered to come help her clean.  Actually, I may have been recruited too.  Our relationship is a good one and works both ways.  I can be myself around her (Relationship Effectiveness –FAST).

I am having a hard time accepting the diagnosis of narcolepsy itself and an even harder time accepting its limitations.  I get discouraged when I see that I have entered REM sleep too quickly again and that I, sometimes (Relationship Thinking), fall asleep with under a minute.  Both of these are telltale signs and have happened several times still this week.  The problem is my perception.  I am thinking that I can be cured.  The reality is that narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder and can not be cured and can be treated and I can learn to cope better (Wise Mind).

Just like I did yesterday, I can use Radical Acceptance.  I can accept narcolepsy without liking it (Radical Acceptance).  It seems so simple now.  Trust me, this wasn’t always the case.  The more I use these skills, the faster it occurs to use them the next time around.  I, sometimes, don’t even have to think about them.  They become ingrained.  So essentially, I have solved my own problems thanks to you and me.  Without writing about my skill use, it might have taken me longer to make this connection.

Of course, I exercised and I wrote (PLEASE-Exercise and Describe).  My latest post on my other blog is entitled “Best of Both Worlds” – what a perfect title for my next post here – Wouldn’t you agree?  It speaks to the Dialectical!

Pluses and Minuses

Today, I am tired.  This post may be short. It is important to me that I share my experiences.  Notice I am not apologizing unnecessarily.  I am using the Self respect effectiveness skill of FAST (FAST).  Being firm, avoiding unnecessary apologies, sticking to my values, and being true to self.

I finally figured out that I started getting less sleep at night when anorexia started to resurface.  I did not come to this conclusion sooner, and then again, anorexia affects my thinking as well.  So I decided to be productive and do something about it (Turning the Mind). 

Many people suffering from anorexia, or its relapse like me, also are perfectionists.  I, often, define myself by my productivity and I am trying to define myself through my poetry, through being a good friend and being my true self (relationship thinking).

What I did do about it was list Anorexia’s Pros and Cons.  This is not the typical two-sided T chart.  DBT does it a little differently.  I first listed the Pros of having anorexia (By having anorexia the positives are…), the Cons of having anorexia (By having anorexia the negatives are…), then the Pros of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia the positives are…), and the Cons of not having anorexia (If I don’t have anorexia, the negatives are...).  The chart below may help:

Pros of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of having ANOREXIA (By having ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

Pros of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the positives are…)

Cons of not having ANOREXIA (If I don’t have ANOREXIA, the negatives are…)

It amazes me how well this worked.  Perhaps it is the fact that I love logic and math.  After all, I was employed as a successful accountant. I repeated the process for the Pros and Cons of staying with my ex-fiance, now my current boyfriend.  It made my thinking, though not the decision, clearer and easier to evaluate. (Pros and Cons).

Something else great happened today.  I was able to Radically Accept that I can love someone dearly and strongly dislike what they did.  In this case, I am referring to the abuse by a close family member.  I finally feel totally free (Radical Acceptance).  Writing and therapy both helped me come to this conclusion (Describe and Participate).

And with that conclusion, this shall be my conclusion for the night!

Intrapersonal Effectiveness

After reading the title, one might think that I made a ‘typo’ or misspelling.  I did not.  I am aware that the typical Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) module is called “Inter”personal Effectiveness vs. my version of “Intra”personal Effectiveness.  Today, I spent the day listening to my inner power of positive self talk.  I decided to follow my own advice.  I am integrating body, mind, and spirit by heeding my body’s dialogue and not so subtle suggestions.

I did reach out for help today (Interpersonal Effectiveness) and when three of my most important supportive people were out of town, out of the country, or out of the office, I worked with what I had, myself (Intrapersonal Effectiveness).  I also believe that God won’t give me any more than I can handle (and yes, it’s just now that I thought to ask for His help, although this was one of my therapy homework assignments since Tuesday and I’m just practicing it now). 

Now, for the proverbial nuts and bolts:  I have been hearing voices in my head that were not my own.  And while, yes, I have also had auditory hallucinations today including hearing cats meowing, emergency sirens blaring, car alarms activating, and harmonic music playing all when there were none, the voices that I am referring to really belonged to someone else.  Actually, two people, both of my neurologists. 

The details are a little fuzzy now, but back in May and end of June, my sleep disorder specialist and my neurologist for my memory both told me that I should lose weight.  Hello!!!  I was formerly anorexic and when they said this I was at an ideal weight.  My long-time dietitian confirmed this fact.  And I was in shape. 

They both knew my history, they both knew how active I am and how stringently I follow my exercise routines, they both should have known that this advice was not good to give to anyone at an optimal weight nonetheless to someone who, though mostly recovered, suffers from anorexia’s rules of restricting and over-exercising.  This just plain was poor advice.  And I wasn’t going to stand for it.  I stopped each of them in his tracks and told them all of the above.  It silenced one without his mentioning it again.  He was the head of the department but that didn’t intimidate me.  The other one heard me and my rebuttal but just repeated the same thing back ten minutes later.

Aaahh!

In hindsight, the sleep medicine doctor probably has the advice as his standard protocol for people with sleep apnea though I was there for narcolepsy and not all people with sleep apnea are overweight.  Get a grip. [So much for non-judgmental stance (Non-judgmental stance) up until I just wrote this so I’ll start that skill for the remainder of the post]  My other neurologist was going by an older, now more obsolete, method of a standardized height and weight chart.  Today, waist circumference, body mass index, age, level of activity are all used in consideration of determining if someone is overweight.

Well, enough of that. 

Point being, it was their voices I was hearing today telling me that I had to lose weight. And I’ve actually been listening to them for some time.  I take full accountability for giving their words more power than my own. And I’m stopping listening to them right now, this moment (One-in-the-Moment).  I have lost more weight than what they even recommended though I did not need to lose any.  I am the one who chose to go down this path, not them.  I am the one that can choose to recover.  I choose the latter (Turning the Mind).  I give my life meaning, they don't. (IMPROVE - Meaning).

I am employing the power of positive self talk.  Despite the voices, I am listening to my feet tell me that I have been exercising too vigorously.  I am hearing my back complain about degeneration.  I am using my Wise Mind (Wise Mind) to balances out my emotional mind’s desire to keep losing and my intellectual mind's tendency to continue rationalizing. 

Then it came to me.  “I am seeing in color again” is a Six-Word TWLOHA [I’ll explain in another post] that originated when I stopped being judgmental, when I stopped listening to my neurologist’s poor advice, and turned to Radical Acceptance (Radical Acceptance).  “It is what it is”.  I don’t have to agree with the doctors’ advice and I can accept that it doesn’t have to affect my healthy decisions. 

So, I am just going to write (Describe) and enjoy my night and also pray (IMPROVE – Pray & Relax).  I am not going to exercise (PLEASE - Exercise) instead I chose to celebrate my friend’s 41^st birthday (Build positive experiences) and because I am choosing to get some sleep (PLEASE - Sleep), especially since the lack of it triggers hypnagogic hallucinations.

Please have pleasant dreams filled with positive self talk.

Looking back on my day - Observing

Today, I practiced Mindfulness.  In particular, the Observe (Observe) skill.  At first, you're probably saying, "Big deal.  So you stopped and took notice of what is around you.  Laa.Dee.Dah".  Actually, it's a huge deal. 

I often spend too much time in my own head, replaying my day and pondering what would have been if I did things differently.  I can get lost in there, it's such a maze.

I practiced without judgment (Non-Judgmental Stance), another mindfulness skill, but I'll save that for a later post.  I was feeling a little tense so I laid on my back with both my knees bent and both feet on the couch.  I set an intention (Turning the Mind) that I would just let the thoughts, whatever they were, to come and go without categorizing them.  I started with counted breath (Breathing), in two counts, out six.  The thoughts came and went like a old movie film on a reel.  They were passing clouds.  I saw amorphous shapes that turned into images.  I just was. I was being. I was genuine. I was me.

The second time that I used Observe today was when I was confronted with severe memory problems.  We're not talking about something that just slipped my mind.  We are talking about a TV show that I supposedly watched several episodes last week with the same leading characters and I truly don't recall any of it --AT ALL.  So, instead of freaking out and making my memory even worse, I said to myself..."It just is". No judgment (Non-Judgmental Stance).  Just Radical Acceptance (Radical Acceptance).  Used Wise Mind (Wise Mind).  The rational or intellect met the emotional or feeling.  They kept each other in check.  In balance.  And, I was OK. 

It is scary and I know it's due to a medical condition.  This is a great example of the Dialectical.  Feeling two opposite things at the same time, neither negating the other.  Notice, and I will honestly admit, that I had to correct myself because my original sentence used "but" as a conjunction when Wise Mind meant and said, "It is scary and I know. . ."    [Thanks DBT Group Facilitators and Members] and thanks to my Wise Mind.