Dear Old Dad

I am so aggravated and I want to make this relationship work.  I think I need to focus, today, on Interpersonal Effectiveness skills.  This was the least covered in all my groups, being due in part to the days I attended my IOP program.  And I have no doubt, that I can put this into practice anyway.

Let me go get my skills sheet in which to refer.  In my other blog http://lifes-a-balancing-act.blogspot.com, I wrote a post where one of my biggest fears is not being believed.  Dad just told me I had my door locked, when not only was in not closed all the way, it was open a good 7-12 inches.  He knows one way to bother me is to accuse me of doing something I didn’t.  I can’t remember the exact words he said, but he said he took offense to my door being locked.  It wasn’t.  Even when I have it closed all the way, which I didn’t, I never lock it.   

I just Described the background, now let me put my skills to use.  I am at a loss as whether to use Objective Effectiveness (DEAR WOMAN) and/or Relationship Effectiveness (GIVE).  With relationship effectiveness, I want to be Gentle.  To me, this means I want to respond not react.  I want Dad to know that I am Interested in his well-being and his happiness as well as being interested in the way his mind works.  I tried repeating and rewording what he said so he knew he was being heard.  This is Validation.  I tended to downplay the situation as not to be confrontational and tried to use open ended sentences to come across in an Easy Manner.  Not quite sure he heard the intended message which was “I hear you say you don’t think you should live alone and I also hear you say that you never had many friends and then you say you are happy…

I guess what Dad is telling me is that he is happy and he doesn’t think he should live alone although he says he could.  He is willing to learn from his mistakes.  So am I.  I didn’t use my skills perfectly and I did perfect them, same time. 

I went on to provide him Encouragement in being social and giving him a gentle nudge without pushing him by offering a few suggestions.  I Asked him if there was something I could do to make it easier.  I Reinforced that I was asking because I care about him and want to see him happy.  I also told him the more I see him making an effort, the more I am Willing to make an effort and reciprocate too.  I Observed the tension in the room and was Mindful of his viewpoints and timing of the conversation (which I explained).  I also Appeared confident in my ability to reach out to him and my ability to handle whatever he said.  We agreed on or Negotiated ways that he could be more aware and that he wouldn’t avoid the subject.  On a practical note, we mentioned different ways he could remember his prescriptions that he needed filled for the future.  My telling him the course of how this developed was being true to myself and therefore, I also accomplished Self-Respect Effectiveness.

Intrapersonal Effectiveness

After reading the title, one might think that I made a ‘typo’ or misspelling.  I did not.  I am aware that the typical Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) module is called “Inter”personal Effectiveness vs. my version of “Intra”personal Effectiveness.  Today, I spent the day listening to my inner power of positive self talk.  I decided to follow my own advice.  I am integrating body, mind, and spirit by heeding my body’s dialogue and not so subtle suggestions.

I did reach out for help today (Interpersonal Effectiveness) and when three of my most important supportive people were out of town, out of the country, or out of the office, I worked with what I had, myself (Intrapersonal Effectiveness).  I also believe that God won’t give me any more than I can handle (and yes, it’s just now that I thought to ask for His help, although this was one of my therapy homework assignments since Tuesday and I’m just practicing it now). 

Now, for the proverbial nuts and bolts:  I have been hearing voices in my head that were not my own.  And while, yes, I have also had auditory hallucinations today including hearing cats meowing, emergency sirens blaring, car alarms activating, and harmonic music playing all when there were none, the voices that I am referring to really belonged to someone else.  Actually, two people, both of my neurologists. 

The details are a little fuzzy now, but back in May and end of June, my sleep disorder specialist and my neurologist for my memory both told me that I should lose weight.  Hello!!!  I was formerly anorexic and when they said this I was at an ideal weight.  My long-time dietitian confirmed this fact.  And I was in shape. 

They both knew my history, they both knew how active I am and how stringently I follow my exercise routines, they both should have known that this advice was not good to give to anyone at an optimal weight nonetheless to someone who, though mostly recovered, suffers from anorexia’s rules of restricting and over-exercising.  This just plain was poor advice.  And I wasn’t going to stand for it.  I stopped each of them in his tracks and told them all of the above.  It silenced one without his mentioning it again.  He was the head of the department but that didn’t intimidate me.  The other one heard me and my rebuttal but just repeated the same thing back ten minutes later.

Aaahh!

In hindsight, the sleep medicine doctor probably has the advice as his standard protocol for people with sleep apnea though I was there for narcolepsy and not all people with sleep apnea are overweight.  Get a grip. [So much for non-judgmental stance (Non-judgmental stance) up until I just wrote this so I’ll start that skill for the remainder of the post]  My other neurologist was going by an older, now more obsolete, method of a standardized height and weight chart.  Today, waist circumference, body mass index, age, level of activity are all used in consideration of determining if someone is overweight.

Well, enough of that. 

Point being, it was their voices I was hearing today telling me that I had to lose weight. And I’ve actually been listening to them for some time.  I take full accountability for giving their words more power than my own. And I’m stopping listening to them right now, this moment (One-in-the-Moment).  I have lost more weight than what they even recommended though I did not need to lose any.  I am the one who chose to go down this path, not them.  I am the one that can choose to recover.  I choose the latter (Turning the Mind).  I give my life meaning, they don't. (IMPROVE - Meaning).

I am employing the power of positive self talk.  Despite the voices, I am listening to my feet tell me that I have been exercising too vigorously.  I am hearing my back complain about degeneration.  I am using my Wise Mind (Wise Mind) to balances out my emotional mind’s desire to keep losing and my intellectual mind's tendency to continue rationalizing. 

Then it came to me.  “I am seeing in color again” is a Six-Word TWLOHA [I’ll explain in another post] that originated when I stopped being judgmental, when I stopped listening to my neurologist’s poor advice, and turned to Radical Acceptance (Radical Acceptance).  “It is what it is”.  I don’t have to agree with the doctors’ advice and I can accept that it doesn’t have to affect my healthy decisions. 

So, I am just going to write (Describe) and enjoy my night and also pray (IMPROVE – Pray & Relax).  I am not going to exercise (PLEASE - Exercise) instead I chose to celebrate my friend’s 41^st birthday (Build positive experiences) and because I am choosing to get some sleep (PLEASE - Sleep), especially since the lack of it triggers hypnagogic hallucinations.

Please have pleasant dreams filled with positive self talk.