Everything Except the Essentials

I wrote and I wrote and I wrote some more (Describe).  What did I write? 

I focused on the positive by blogging about “A Day When Everything Went Right”.  This helped in several ways.  It helped me to keep upbeat (Build positive experiences).  It increased my self esteem and confidence (Build Mastery). It reminded me how I faced something difficult and overcame it (IMPROVE - Encouragement). 

At a friend’s suggestion, I blogged to raise both awareness and funds for hunger sponsored by the World Food Programme.  It gave meaning to my life since I have a fairly extensive volunteer history at both the State Food Bank and the Food Bank of the neighboring township.  It also gave me meaning since I have been a recipient of Food Stamps (IMPROVE-Meaning).  I have seen both sides.

I also wrote my six words on pain and hope cosponsored with TWLOHA – To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit group centered around raising awareness for youth on depression, suicide, and self-injury.  My writings included:  “Sunlight and positivity brighten my day”, “No longer living in perpetual darkness”, “I stopped comparing myself to others”, and “Breathed in. Breathed out. Calmed down” (Awareness and Observe Breath).

I also bit my tongue, well actually just kept tight-lipped when Dad irritated me and I was annoyed and chose not to nitpick or fester an argument (Opposite to Emotion Action). Things are going better overall between us.

I did not take a nap although I needed to since I was tired.  This is one essential that I skipped today and I did not do as well as I could with respect to anorexia’s reign (PLEASE- Sleep and Eat).  I think I might try another skill when that comes in to play, perhaps the skill I was banned from because I was too good at it and overused it – (Pros and Cons). 

I used a lot of skills and want to work on the essentials.  The simplest things are sometimes the hardest for me.  That said, anorexia, perfectionism and productivity go hand-in-hand. 

I think I’ll wave goodbye to them and you (Turning the Mind).

Intrapersonal Effectiveness

After reading the title, one might think that I made a ‘typo’ or misspelling.  I did not.  I am aware that the typical Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) module is called “Inter”personal Effectiveness vs. my version of “Intra”personal Effectiveness.  Today, I spent the day listening to my inner power of positive self talk.  I decided to follow my own advice.  I am integrating body, mind, and spirit by heeding my body’s dialogue and not so subtle suggestions.

I did reach out for help today (Interpersonal Effectiveness) and when three of my most important supportive people were out of town, out of the country, or out of the office, I worked with what I had, myself (Intrapersonal Effectiveness).  I also believe that God won’t give me any more than I can handle (and yes, it’s just now that I thought to ask for His help, although this was one of my therapy homework assignments since Tuesday and I’m just practicing it now). 

Now, for the proverbial nuts and bolts:  I have been hearing voices in my head that were not my own.  And while, yes, I have also had auditory hallucinations today including hearing cats meowing, emergency sirens blaring, car alarms activating, and harmonic music playing all when there were none, the voices that I am referring to really belonged to someone else.  Actually, two people, both of my neurologists. 

The details are a little fuzzy now, but back in May and end of June, my sleep disorder specialist and my neurologist for my memory both told me that I should lose weight.  Hello!!!  I was formerly anorexic and when they said this I was at an ideal weight.  My long-time dietitian confirmed this fact.  And I was in shape. 

They both knew my history, they both knew how active I am and how stringently I follow my exercise routines, they both should have known that this advice was not good to give to anyone at an optimal weight nonetheless to someone who, though mostly recovered, suffers from anorexia’s rules of restricting and over-exercising.  This just plain was poor advice.  And I wasn’t going to stand for it.  I stopped each of them in his tracks and told them all of the above.  It silenced one without his mentioning it again.  He was the head of the department but that didn’t intimidate me.  The other one heard me and my rebuttal but just repeated the same thing back ten minutes later.

Aaahh!

In hindsight, the sleep medicine doctor probably has the advice as his standard protocol for people with sleep apnea though I was there for narcolepsy and not all people with sleep apnea are overweight.  Get a grip. [So much for non-judgmental stance (Non-judgmental stance) up until I just wrote this so I’ll start that skill for the remainder of the post]  My other neurologist was going by an older, now more obsolete, method of a standardized height and weight chart.  Today, waist circumference, body mass index, age, level of activity are all used in consideration of determining if someone is overweight.

Well, enough of that. 

Point being, it was their voices I was hearing today telling me that I had to lose weight. And I’ve actually been listening to them for some time.  I take full accountability for giving their words more power than my own. And I’m stopping listening to them right now, this moment (One-in-the-Moment).  I have lost more weight than what they even recommended though I did not need to lose any.  I am the one who chose to go down this path, not them.  I am the one that can choose to recover.  I choose the latter (Turning the Mind).  I give my life meaning, they don't. (IMPROVE - Meaning).

I am employing the power of positive self talk.  Despite the voices, I am listening to my feet tell me that I have been exercising too vigorously.  I am hearing my back complain about degeneration.  I am using my Wise Mind (Wise Mind) to balances out my emotional mind’s desire to keep losing and my intellectual mind's tendency to continue rationalizing. 

Then it came to me.  “I am seeing in color again” is a Six-Word TWLOHA [I’ll explain in another post] that originated when I stopped being judgmental, when I stopped listening to my neurologist’s poor advice, and turned to Radical Acceptance (Radical Acceptance).  “It is what it is”.  I don’t have to agree with the doctors’ advice and I can accept that it doesn’t have to affect my healthy decisions. 

So, I am just going to write (Describe) and enjoy my night and also pray (IMPROVE – Pray & Relax).  I am not going to exercise (PLEASE - Exercise) instead I chose to celebrate my friend’s 41^st birthday (Build positive experiences) and because I am choosing to get some sleep (PLEASE - Sleep), especially since the lack of it triggers hypnagogic hallucinations.

Please have pleasant dreams filled with positive self talk.

Leaving No Skill Unused

Today I contributed a blog entitled “Leaving No Stone Unturned: My Journey from Total Denial to Radical Acceptance” (Participate).  I also contributed to SMITH Magazine’s Six Word Memoirs and went outside my comfort zone with my writing.  I allowed myself to go inside a little deeper than I’ve ever gone before to let out my buried feelings.  I had much success.  I was sad and happy at the same time (Relationship Thinking/Dialectical). 

I also got the most sleep that I’ve had in three or four weeks (PLEA”S”E).  I needed it and perhaps this helped me have the willpower to dig a little deeper.  It amazes me how crucial sleep is.  I was disappointed that I kept entering REM sleep immediately after returning to bed this morning because that is typical of narcolepsy and I was grateful that the short acting medicine at least worked for most of the night (Relationship Thinking/Dialectical).

Dad and I also had very candid and caring conversations about his health, my memory, our fears, and our fond times (Build positive experiences).  Today, I would say was all about a balancing act.  I feel integrated, and grateful.  I actually was able to give myself a compliment without feeling I was bragging. (Non-Judgmental Stance). 

I also read a lot of other blogs and though not present with the individual, I was glad that we shared common bonds.  Feedback is so important to me in both my professional and personal lives.  I made sure to leave comments on other’s writings in a focused fashion with meaning (One Mindfully & Participate & IMPROVE).

I also built a shelving unit by myself and felt proud (Build Mastery). The directions said you needed two people (yes, I actually read the directions, they helped) and being the independent person I sometimes am (Willingness vs. Willfulness) I decided to attempt it alone and call in reinforcements (Dad) if I needed them.  I didn’t. 

Just minutes ago, I did not think that I used that many skills; however, looking back…it happened again.

Thanks to all who give my life meaning!

p.s.  I also colored a mandala as a way to relax (IMPROVE)!